Dope Sick Before Deutschland



My preference before reading this is that you read the introduction, so you know a bit more about me as an individual and what I am dealing with.  It will give you insight as to why I act like such a foolish, selfish, and desperate individual.

The weeks prior to leaving for Germany for a wedding with my wife I had been on a rather heavy binge that included Heroin, benzos, and even IV’ing Ritalin.  My dear wife became privy to all of this after finding a spoon late one night when I was about to use and of course was extremely angry, but also somewhat concerned about my state before leaving for Germany.

We had about a week and half.  She would be going down with me for Easter to see my family and leaving me there for five days.  She works in taxes and so would be busy all day and did not want to risk me being at home all day.

Lock Down


My parents also knew about this, so I was pretty much under lock and key.  They all wanted me to go to detox, but I’d been to so many and I was tired of them and felt the uselessness of it.  The only thing I did have was 20 Xanax I picked up at the pharmacy before I left and a script I switched from my pharmacy to the one in their town, which I had no idea how I could get because I’d have no car to get to the pharmacy.  I did have one for Lamictal written out, a mood-stabilizer.

Easter with the Family

We spent Easter with the family, I was detoxing quite heavily, but used some of the Xanax which helped but not much.  I was severely depressed and felt like I was in some sort of strange of old TV show.  Of course, as for the Xanax, I was out by Monday, I told my parents that I had two scripts from my psychiatrists that I had to fill, but I know my mom would look at them and google them.  She’d see that the Klonopin was a controlled substance.  The other one was just for Lamictal.

I Hate myself

Here, another thing going on, my father is on dialysis, feels like shit and all I can think of doing is trying to feel better.  The aspect of addiction is that it is so self-consuming, when I could try and be enjoying family time, I’m figuring out ways to get high.  It’s a very sad and selfish problem.  He could die and I am consumed with getting a fix.  Addiction and the obsession create and unimaginable self-hatred.

On Tuesday, I was in full-blown detox and told my mother we needed to get to a walk-in because I was having pain in my abdomen and testicles.  So we go and I remember to bring a tack.  I’m feeling so dope sick.  They have me pee in a cup and I prick my finger to get some blood in the urine, my plan is to give them the idea that I have Kidney Stones.

Falling Down Hard

So I wait and the doctor comes in and besides feeling awful I go into full acting mode.  Hmm…  His theory is that I may have kidney stones.  I say it could because my dad gets them.  They actually X-ray me and find something small.  Interesting?  It warrants for some useless prescriptions, but I do get 15 Norco 7.5  Which would definitely help me from being so sick.

Uh oh.  My mother is at the desk.  He called the other prescriptions into the local CVS, but gives me the actual Norco script, which I could not hide in time and my mother wants to see it.  Of course she googles it and finds out exactly what it is.  On the way to the parking lot an in the car, I get a lecture to hand it over and I refuse.  I know it hurts her and I have no clue how I will actually get them filled.


We get home and I go lay down, then sneak upstairs (I’m feeling like I’m 14 and like total shit) and use their copier and make a copy.  Lightly you can make out “copy” on the page, but it’s good enough to make a quick show.  I stumble down the stairs sweating like a pig and show her the copy and then say, “I’m done” and tear it up.  She hugs me and tells me how happy she is, all the while the script is in my back pocket.  My feelings about myself sink lower than they already are.

The next day I figured I’d just go for it and try and get the Klonopin, telling my mom that I have to get the script for Lamitcal filled.  I tell her I’m also getting Clonidine, mumbling the generic is Klonopin.  So we go down to Kroger  and shop waiting a half an hour to get them and bring the groceries and the bag out to the car.  I show her the prescriptions and she looks at them right before I tear the page for medication effects off.  It worked.

This is not the old me

I could care less for Klonopin to get high, but I knew it would help with my sickness.  So I get home and pop four and make it through the day and night.  The next day was Wednesday and my wife decided to take two days off of work to visit and work from there.  She comes up and I just lay on the couch, then my mind starts working and I ask if she can drop me off at an AA meeting.  Which there is not one at that time, but I tell her there is.

She drives me there and wonders where everyone is at.  I tell her Ill go check the door in the back, it’s locked.  I come back out front and tell her there’s a few people in there, so it’s okay.  She smiles and tells me okay and drives off.  Well I sit in the wretched heat for a moment and GPS pharmacy.  Bingo.  There is one about a quarter-mile away.

My Head Won’t Stop

I trek down to the CVS and promptly get my Norcos filled.  Toss the bottle and put the rest in my back pocket.  Luckily I had just enough on my credit card.  I pop four and head back to the meeting.  Give my wife a call and tell her the meeting had no air-conditioning and ask to be picked up.  She comes back and gets me.  I have a rather pleasant night.

The next say is okay and I save just a few for our ride back home.  I’ll stop there and then we’ll get into some of my absurdities before and possibly while in Germany.